summer of 1969

Now as we indulge in things refined
We hide our hearts from harder times
A string of pearls, a foreign car
Oh we can only go so far
On caviar and cabernet
We drown our doubts in dry champagne
And soothe our souls with fine cocaine
I don't know why I even care
We'll get so high and get nowhere

( i wanna take a ride on yah disco stick! )

( i'm seriously such an asshole )

but when i say let's keep in touch,
i really mean i wish that you'd grow up
this is the first song for your mixtape
it's short just like your temper
but somewhat golden like the afternoons
we used to spend before you got too cool

 ( 3685 by the spill canvas - the lyrics, every single fucking line, hit way too close to home, so listening to it breaks my heart but i can't make myself turn it off. this part in particularly, i could have written it. yes, i'm saying that about a whiney acoustic love song. this is pathetic. )

( up wayyy too early for my day off )

So, hey.
Update, I guess?
I got my first college acceptance letter this week!!! It was a safety school of mine, so it's not THAT exciting, but still, it's pretty cool.
Friday I hung out with my friends who are all going back to college within the next week or so. I went to my friend Steph's house with a few of them, and drank wine and Bacardi and smoked her bong while watching cheesey 90's movies like She's All That and the Leonardo Dicaprio modern adaptation of Romeo & Juliet. We left early, a little after midnight, and my best friend drove a few of us to 7-11 to get munchie food then home. Then late night b00ty call with a friend, thank God for him. Saturday I had a college interview at 2:30 in Manhattan and which went well, I went home right after and almost missed my stop 'cause I fell asleep. I took a four hour nap when I got home then when I woke up I burned with four of my guy friends, then around midnight I went over to my cousin’s house ‘cause she was having a party, because her parents are in Florida with my mother, probably all getting shit twisted.
I have so much work to do before next Friday. Two art projects, a bunch of research for my sketchbook, two Theory of Knowledge papers, my World Literature paper for English, and the conclusion to a massive history assignment that we're supposed to have been working on since the beginning of the school year...right. None of the aforementioned assignments have been started yet. Fuck my life, I'm an idiot.
I have to get off my ass, stop being a bum, and maybe do something productive. Or maybe I'll go get high. That's more likely.

i'm looking through you, where did you go?
i thought i knew you, what did i know?
you don't look different, but you have changed
i'm looking through you, you're not the same

why, tell me why, did you not treat me right?
love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight

( bucket list...? )

I'm reaching for the phone
To call at 7:03
And on your machine
I slur a plea
For you to come home
But I know it's too late
I should have given you a reason to stay

I don’t know whether you’re young or not. I sort of hope you’re young and sad. If you’re old and happy, I can imagine that you’ll maybe smile to yourself when you hear me going, 'He broke my heart.'
You’ll remember listening to music and eating chocolates in your room, or walking along the Embankment on your own, wrapped up in a winter coat and feeling lonely and brave.
But can you remember how with every mouthful of food it felt like you were biting into your own stomach? Can you remember the taste of red wine as it came back up and into the toilet bowl? Can you remember dreaming every night that you were still together, that he was talking to you gently and touching you, so that every morning when you woke up you had to go through it all over again? Can you remember carving his initials in your arm with a kitchen knife? Can you remember standing too close to the edge of an Underground platform?
No? Well, fucking shut up, then. Stick your smile up your saggy old arse.

-A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby

it's new years!
i'm waiting for my friend to come over so we can burn then go to a party.
time to drink 2010 down the drain.
while i'm waiting, here's a bolding survey:

( click me )

there's one thing i want to say so i'll be brave
you were what i wanted
i gave what i gave
i'm not sorry i met you
i'm not sorry it's over
i'm not sorry there's nothing to save

Sticks and stones are hard on bones,
aimed with angry art,
words can sting like anything
but silence breaks the heart.

Children of Men or Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

29 years ago today, a legend was killed before his time.
REST IN PEACE John Lennon ♥ 1940 - 1980( he was the walrus )

What's your relationship with the last person you texted?
he's a good friend

What time did you wake up today?
3 in the afternoon

Name something you can't wait to do?
graduate high school. six more months...

What were you doing at midnight last night?
hanging out with some friends at my house

Can you honestly say that at this point and time you're happy with the way things are going?
ehh, i'm not sure

Did you kiss or hug anyone in the last 48 hours?
i don't think so actually. kind of depressing, isn't it?

Who was the last person to call you baby?
i don't know

Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
no

When you're bored in class, what did you usually do?
daydream, pick my split ends, doodle, make lists, do work for other classes, play tetris on my cell phone

If you HAD to kiss someone right now, who would it be?
CR

Who were you with last night?
allie & ro, as well as jared, james, anthony & ryan.

When's the next time you will kiss someone on the lips?
who knows? soon i hope.

Do you get distracted easily?
sooooooooo easily

Anything particular about tomorrow?
just school.

What were you doing at 8 this morning?
sleeping

What's the date today?
december 6th, 2009

Are you wearing jeans?
nope

Did you sleep alone last night?
nope

What will you be doing tomorrow around 2pm?
i'll be in english class, counting the minutes until the school day is over

Are you very stressed at the moment?
i'm always stressed

How far is it to the nearest Walmart?
i have no idea

Does rain make you feel depressed?
not usually, i love the rain.

Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
pete

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
yes

What's your current mood?
blah

Has someone disappointed you recently?
VERYVERY MUCH SO, but whatever

Is there something that you want to tell someone but can't?
oh yeah

What's this month's picture of on your calendar?
i don't have a calendar for this year

Turkey or ham for Thanksgiving?
turkey! both are delicious though

Do you celebrate Black Friday?
hell no

What level are you on Farmville?
farmville is GAY.. farmville takes it up the ass from other facebook applications.

What are you looking forward to in the next year?
graduating high school and going to college!

What song are you listening to right now?
gold lion by the yeah yeah yeahs

What time do you usually get out of bed?
whenever i feel like getting up

What are you really good at?
fucking things up

Do you look good in hats?
if i looking like a 12 year old boy is considered good

Would you ever climb a mountain?
maybe...probably not though

What was the last thing you became a fan of on Facebook?
the show jersey shore. hahahah

Are you good at Jeopardy?
ehh not really.

Ever submitted a story to FML or MLIA? (Did it get published?)
nope

What movie do you want to see that's in/going to be in cinemas?
the lovely bones and ALICE IN WONDERLAND

Have you ever been bitten by an animal?
yeah, nothing too serious though

What time is it?
six minutes to midnight

Is your backpack really heavy?
when i have a lot of shit in it

Are you organized?
noooooo

Do you take naps?
yes<3

Do you keep a diary?
something like that

Who knows just about everything there is to know about you?
my mom

Colored pencils, crayons, or markers?
any! i love coloring!

Unicorns or pegasi? (Plural for "pegasus.")
both. unicorn with wings! hell yeah.

What's your favorite breakfast restaurant?
bacon, omelettes, hash browns, pancakes with blueberry syrup, french toast...mmmm breakfast food.

Last magazine you bought?
time

When's your last day of school?
i don't know

What was the last thing you Googled?
'what time period is chronicle of a death foretold set in'

Can you spot constellations in the night sky?
no, i wish i could

Do you like going to museums?
yes!

What's your favorite number?
idk. 69. hah.

What are a couple things on your Christmas list?
a few shirts/dresses from rustyzipper, new purse, boots, camera, 'war is over' john lennon t-shirt

Do you update your status with music lyrics?
sometimes

When was the last time you got your hair cut?
june

Do you watch anime/manga?
nooooo

Do you like jacket pockets with zippers on them?
i'm indifferent

Describe a defining event in your life. How did it change you?
the way my relationship with george ended. it gave me humility & clarity & showed me the error of my ways, left me scarred and heartbroken but certainly taught me a few valuable lessons.

( anyone remember chuck, fuck, or marry? )

i made this list in class a few weeks ago and i have been continuously adding to it ever since. i will probably add more stuff when i think of it as well. so, without further ado, a list of things to be happy about:

buttons, crossword puzzles, bioluminescent bays, rain boots, wearing clothes from right out of the dryer on a cold day, the leaves changing colors in the fall, raspberry sorbet, finding something you've been looking for, sun showers, colorfully painted hippie vans, gourmet cupcakes from magnolia in new york city, body heat, the first cigarette of the day with an iced coffee, the justice system, democracy, freedom of speech, big bug-eyed sunglasses, woodstock festival 1969, ben and jerry's ice cream, laughing so hard you start crying and you can't breathe, daisies, buying new jackets or boots or scarves when the weather starts to get cold, christmas decorations in stores and restaurants, milkshakes topped with whipped cream, getting sucked into a book so you're unable to put it down, pumpkin pie, karma, puddle jumping, the beatles, cotton t-shirts, a cool breeze on a hot day, doodling, recognizing someone's smell, seeing an old couple holding hands, looking through old photo albums, taking your winter coat out from storage at the beginning of the season and finding money in the pockets, the feeling of a dress against freshly shaven legs on a warm day, the feeling of someone else scratching your back for you, penguins, patriotism, appreciating the little things, hot showers, swimming in fresh water, charities, streets made shady by lots of trees, the sounds of birds chirping, the first hit of weed you take after not smoking for a long time, plaid flannel shirts, gingham table clothes, cashmere, going out of your way to step on a crunchy looking leaf, wearing toe socks with flip-flops, painting each one of your toe nails a different color, leather bomber jackets, inside jokes, sharpies, burning incense, getting prescribed to delicious bubble gum medicine when you have strep throat, thrift shops, purrell, sugar highs, getting enough sleep, baby animals, band-aids with cartoon characters on them, making a baby laugh, spinning in circles till you're dizzy, getting away with doing something naughty, fur-lined eskimo hats with ear flaps, unspoken understandings, the numb swollen way your lips feel after you've been making out for a long time, getting the whole orange peel off in one big chunk, lady bugs, candlelight vigils, falling out of love, moving on, your best friend's family, going out for coffee with a friend when you're both hungover, trying on pants you haven't worn in a while and realizing they're too big on you, pain killers, pretty bras, finishing a huge assignment, spell check, how-to websites, the feeling of first lying down on your bed after a long day, awkward moments, exchanging looks with someone, winning an argument, getting a nice tan after a sunburn fades, the theories of sigmund freud, wikipedia, learning new things, the periodic table of elements, water colors, writing quotes or lyrics in the margins of your notebook, metallic paint, chocolate mousse, bonfires on the beach, hitting the redemption shot in beer pong, walking around a suburban area on a winter night and smelling the fire in the air, making someone's face light up, making a new friend, recycling, making lists, funfetti cupcakes, wearing cute patterned underwear, eating a huge breakfast, hot apple cider, feeling secretly a little proud of a nasty bruise or cut, drinking a tall glass of ice water when you're really thirsty, ancient egypt, coral reefs, the declaration of independence, dolphins, eye colors, art museums, crazy old people, going to fast food restaurant at obscure hours of the night to cure the munchies, finger puppets, extra crispy bacon, discovering a new band or singer you really like, finding a song that could have been written about your life, giant squids, moccasins, large colorful tropical birds, playing with a tiny puppy, someone sticking up for you, feeling as though you've done the right thing, lightning storms, swimming when it's raining, taking neat notes, fresh fruit salads, skinny dipping, watching funny youtube videos to cure boredom, pea coats, bobby pinns, picking out your future kids names, old gothic churches, neon colors, loose glitter, history channel documentaries, modern medicine, the technological advances over the past century, text messages that make you smile as soon as you read them, tribal patterns, orange juice without pulp, nostalgia, a perfectly sharp pencil with a nice eraser, central park, coloring in coloring books with crayons, making a wish on a fallen eyelash, seeing the front page of a newspaper that isn't a morbid story, getting a haircut you really like, silk bed sheets, school spirit, apple picking, sweater vests, pearls, massive leather quilted purses, hugs, walking through the mud with bare feet, splatter painting, not caring about how you look, fires in the fire place, the beauty of the reproductive cycle, delicious diner french fries

I'm reading your note over again,
And there's not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it
"I will love you always and forever"